Like Sawdust on the Window

As it turns out, Heavenly Father doesn’t mind me letting Him know I’m mad at Him. It doesn’t bother Him at all. In fact, when that happens, He already knows I am carrying around destructive feelings in my heart. I’m the one who doesn’t know I’m carrying them around. I’m the one in denial! He just wants to us to deal with it so we can be friends again!

I sat in my living room last spring feeling angry at God. He took my mom from me when I was already going through so much. “Thanks for kicking me while I was already down!,” it felt like.

Everyone was gone at work and school that day and so it was just me. Alone. Feeling my anger. I began to speak to Him out loud. “I’m so mad at You! How dare you take my mom when my family was breaking apart! You took her when I needed her most! Don’t you even care?! Why?! Why is she not here?” I sobbed.

Suddenly I looked outside and saw little white somethings flying through the sky outside that looked like snowflakes- which really messed with my brain because I knew it was too warm for that. Still… maybe? I got up for a closer look.

I went to the back sliding door and tried to look out but I still couldn’t see exactly what was flying through the air! I finally had the presence of mind to focus my eyes on what was hindering my vision- sawdust on the window.

We had our house under construction just months before and had not yet cleaned the saw dust off the windows! I grabbed a towel and wiped it off quickly!

Suddenly the view was clear. Tiny white blossoms were flying through the air in the wind. It wasn’t snow after all!

At that moment I heard a voice say something like, “It is good to acknowledge the things that stand between us. Then we can fix it.”

I stood there realizing that Heavenly Father felt the distance I had put between us the moment I did it. It was I who was harboring bad feelings and not wanting to stop, feel, and fix it. All the while the anger was corroding my inner peace and connection with God.

I believe He wanted me to stop running around, being busy, and ignoring the hurt feelings that were always there in the background of my heart. I believe He wanted me to just feel for a minute. It’s ok that I felt angry. It’s ok that I felt confused. It’s how I really felt. Looking at my true feelings, I could see the walls that stood between me and my Maker. Only then could we begin to take down the walls brick by brick together with the Savior. It has to be with the Savior. Because of the atonement, my heart can truly be healed.

My heart is being made new. As I look at my truthful feelings- that aren’t always so pretty- and bring them to Heavenly Father and my Savior  I am surrendering the power they had over me and becoming free.

The lie is that we always have to be nice or happy or agreeable and bury our pain and confusion and never be upset at God. Or the lie is that we have to sit in our sorrow and depression and misery forever if we acknowledge the pain. No. The truth is that we need to see the problem as it is and as it feels. With that knowledge we can grow and become free. We can understand why we feel that way? What caused that pain? What is it causing me to say or do? Can I do anything to improve the situation? Can I learn from the pain? And after all we can do we have to have the Savior. Only He can relieve us of such a burden so that the pain was for our understanding and growth, but the pain can heal.

My mom stayed as long as she could. I still feel her. My family is healing through our hard work and through the Savior’s atonement. We have to have both.

So I told Heavenly Father I was mad and he thanked me. Because then we could fix it. Because He loves me.